A Message From the Corona Virus

Dear Americans:

I love you! Especially those of you in Texas, Georgia and all those other delusional states prematurely ‘re-opening’ and feeding me fresh meat like it’s an all-you-can-eat buffet.

I gotta say, you people are acting like children. ‘Wah, wah, wah…I wanna go out! I wanna see my friends! I wanna play!’ Well guess what? Nothing makes me happier. I was dying, but now you’re throwing me a lifeline…making my job so much easier.

During four deadly years of WW II Americans banded together and sacrificed for country and their fellow citizens. They enlisted, stormed beaches, volunteered to make supplies and rationed everything from tires to nylon.

But you guys? I’ve got you totally losing your shit and crying “enough!” after just six weeks of lock-down. Pathetic! I’ve killed more of you now than you lost in Vietnam. But you can’t resist trimming that mullet and throwing a few strikes and spares.

You’re rushing like petulant, impatient babies to re-open. Despite the fact that I’m infecting and killing you in record numbers every day. It’s like Christmas in May. You couldn’t be more selfish and stupid. And cooperative.

And by the way, to those of you waving Trump signs and protesting with machine guns, I don’t give a rat’s ass whether you hug trees and drive a Subaru or wear a MAGA hat and ride a Harley. I’ll kill your sorry ass just the same.

So in closing I say this: enjoy these next few weeks of glorious premature re-opening. It’s gonna be so much fun. You’ll be at the beach, dining out, shopping in malls and, when the numbers don’t immediately get worse, bragging like idiots that “See? We told ya it was safe to go back out!”

But then the fun will suddenly stop. Because while you fools were blissfully ignoring all the experts’ warnings and acting like I disappeared, the “secret enemy” will be invading your sea-salted lungs like Putin in Crimea.

Let’s be clear: I’m not going anywhere just because you’re tired of staying in. I’m here, I’m hungry and I’ll ravage your bodies like crows on roadkill.

So take it from a deadly virus: stay the fuck home before it’s too late. Because I’m merciless, motherfuckers…