A Message From the Corona Virus

Dear Americans:

I love you! Especially those of you in Texas, Georgia and all those other delusional states prematurely ‘re-opening’ and feeding me fresh meat like it’s an all-you-can-eat buffet.

I gotta say, you people are acting like children. ‘Wah, wah, wah…I wanna go out! I wanna see my friends! I wanna play!’ Well guess what? Nothing makes me happier. I was dying, but now you’re throwing me a…